If you know me then you know I am very easy going and typically upbeat. You know that I am the eternal optimist that sometimes drives those dang pessimists crazy! However, for about the month of march this was not the case. I felt a heavy sense of discouragement fall over me. I think ministry wise there were some areas I was not being content with, I was not content with my friendships and I was feeling like being a stay at home mom was mundane. The laundry's never done, the second the kitchen is clean it gets dirty again and Mike gets to go out to lunch all the time with people, or that's how I pictured it. You know those things that were popping up on facebook...how I picture something, how it really is, etc. Poor Mike while he's out there bearing other people's burdens, which sometimes takes place over lunch, I'm making him feel bad because he gets to go to lunch with people while I'm stuck at home!
However, during this time God was very alive to me. His Word was sustaining me and I was constantly crying out for Him to show me what needed to change. And I felt like what He told me first was I need to be faithful with what is before me. I was reminded of the story with the talents, why would he give me more if I haven't proven faithful with the little before me? I need to be faithful with the women he has put in my small group, faithful to my children who I should joyfully be serving, faithful to my husband who works so hard for our family, faithful to share Christ with others, and most importantly faithful in my pursuit of Him. It's one thing to begin to see what God wants you learn, it's another thing to really put it into practice!! But trust me I'm working on it!
The second thing God was teaching me, and some of this I'm just putting words to, was my need to fully depend on Him. I am an extrovert to the core! I love people, I love being around people and having good friends. I have come to realize that I think sometimes God puts me through a dry season of relationships so that I turn to him first and most. It's so easy for me to make my days busy and put my relationship with others above my relationship with my Savior and Lord.
So I'm crying out to God asking him to give me joy and help me to be faithful and depend on Him but I'm daily failing so then I get mad at myself because I should not be unhappy when I have SO much to be thankful for. But I'm so thankful that my GOD IS SO FAITHFUL! There was a time when I was in the shower and just sharing with God some of my frustrations. So what happens?? Of course as soon as I get out of the shower a friend texts me and it was totally related to one of things I had just been sharing with God! And then at another point I'm spending time with God and just sharing my heart and hurts with him and feeling like noone cares (by the way Satan is really good and getting us to believe the lie that noone cares and it is so NOT true!) and that same day I get this amazing email from Lisa, my sister in law, and again it was exactly related to what I had been praying about and the encouragement I had been asking God for.
I began to read a book, thinking I was just checking it out to see if it would be a good choice for our women's summer study, about faith in the hard times. Yeah, God's funny like that. He just wanted to get that book in my hands! One of the main focuses of this book was making an "I Remember" list. Sometimes in the hard times our vision isn't good and we begin to see things unclearly or in the wrong light because we're not looking through God's lense. That's why we need an "I Remember" list to be reminded of the faithful, powerful, loving...the list could go on and on, God that I serve. So when my vision is skewed I can look with clarity back at all that He's done and ask God to adjust my vision as I look forward. So I wanted to share a few from my list:
- God allowed our house to sell in a horrible market
- He provided the most amazing new house at an amazing price!
- He allowed me to teach at our women's study, a desire I've had for a long time
- I was pregnant with Kara and was not being a good mommy and just cried out to God that I needed a break and some friends called and asked if they could take our kids for the night...but as if that wasn't enough they gave us a giftcard to use for dinner!
- I had an overwhelming sense of peace when the twins were being born 8 weeks early
- Mike was preparing for Missions trip to Honduras and preached in the morning and then had a 5 hour meeting after church, and had been gone the whole day before, so I was just being selfish and was mad that I was with the kids again by myself. I just spent the afternoon planning my mean words I would say when he got home but then praying and asking God to change my attitude and help Mike come home to a loving wife. That's probably why God had the meeting last 5 hours cause that's how long it took me to open my hands and release it all to him. But to God's glory Mike came home to a loving wife.
- God brought friends to walk with me through this time and allowed my mom to encourage and challenge me at just the right moments
Ok the list could go on and on but those are just a few! I praise God that he has brought me out of this season!!! My amazing husband came home and surprised me with a five day trip to Chicago with NO KIDS! He is such a servant to me! I believe God had me in this season to develop a deeper level of trust and dependence on Him. God also showed me when I get stuck in a "woe is me" mentality I am missing oppourtunities to serve others and share his love in ways that he is calling me to. And finally to be content (wow that's a hard one) and faithful with everything he puts before me, so that I can prove worthy of him increasing my portion.
